In this new regular
feature I will be rounding up the week's Xbox live indie games and
reviewing them in one fell swoop. Since the majority of indie titles
don't deserve a whole post dedicated to them, and many are too soul
crushingly awful to spend more than 2 minutes on, I will be
collectively reviewing one week's worth of games at a time.
The Xbox indie channel is
home to some serious affronts to gaming, with seemingly zero quality
control on display the floodgates have been opened and a torrent of
gaming embarrassments have been unleashed upon the world. Since there
are actually some enjoyable games on there, the recent Shark Attack
being one, and the magnificent Super Amazing Wagon Adventure, Escape
Goat, Little Racers Street and Qrth-Phyl, proving there are some very
talented developers out there capable of bringing some quality games
to the service. Unfortunately the indie channel is akin to sifting
through a bucket of warm pig shit in the hope of finding a diamond or
two. So I don my thickest gloves, take a deep breath, and dive in to
discover what this week has to offer indie gamers.
This week:
This week:
- Aah, Halloween Pie
- Christmas Carnage
- Cool Shapes
- Red Tie Miner 3
- Santa Xmas Dash 2
- Space Cruesader
- Space Egypt
First up, Ho Ho Ho, it's
almost Christmas, and what festive period would be complete without
some appalling games rushed out to make a quick buck. Now I am not
knocking Christmas games as a whole genre, in fact I am currently
writing a feature on my favourite Chrimbo games to get you in the
holiday spirit, but the Xbox indie channel has so far proved
incapable of offering up anything remotely worthy of your time and
points, and the two on offer this week are no exception.
Santa Xmas Dash 2
puts you in the boots of the jolly old bastard himself, though only
in the loosest sense. The screen shots led me to believe I was about
to experience some seasonal platforming fun, however instead I was
presented with an extremely basic and tedious QTE rhythm game. All
you have to do is wait for the icon to scroll through the on-screen
cursor and press the appropriate button, resulting in Santa moving
across one of the clotheslines that connect all the house together.
That's all folks. This basic non-gameplay could be excused (almost)
if the Christmas music was good, but the feeble, generic midi
offerings are as soulless as the game itself.
Next up is Christmas
Carnage, an absolute bottom of the barrel effort that is about as
enjoyable as finding a turd in your stocking on Christmas morning. A
truly horrible twin stick shooter that has nothing going for it. You
play as a crudely drawn fairy who must shoot at bells, Christmas
trees, and presents. The graphics are so bad they look as if they
were drawn by a 4 year old, and the in game voices are some of the
worst I have ever heard. Seriously, it sounds like the developers
dragged one of their mothers in to record the voices in a 5 minute
window she had before going shopping. It is offensively poor and if
this is a sign of what is to come over the holiday season then this
would go some way in explaining the high suicide rates over the
Christmas period. Bah Humbug!
Now onto something with
nothing to do with jolly Saint Nick or baby Jesus, we have Space
Egypt, a clone of Konami's 1982 arcade game Tutankham. Notice the
fact that I refrained from using the word 'classic' before arcade,
which tells you that the original inspiration for Space Egypt was a
horrible effort best forgotten. In this game you play as some kind of
robot vehicle tasked with exploring old ancient Egyptian tombs. The
game is set in the future, but as all the levels are the same bland
Egyptian tombs the time setting is utterly irrelevant. The game is a
top down maze game which insists you find a set number of keys before
you are allowed to open the exit situated at the far right of the
level. Simple stuff for sure, but the difficulty lies in the fact
that the levels are filled with spawn points that blurt out a
never-ending stream of enemies. The worst part of the game is, much
like Tutankham before it, you can only fire left or right, never up
or down, which makes avoiding the foes a pain in the ass, especially
as the infinitely spawning adversaries harass you constantly. It's
not a total disaster, the retro arcade gameplay can be mildly
entertaining for a few minutes, but overall it is a fairly dire
effort and not really worth bothering with.
Red Tie Miner 3 is
an incredibly tedious 'mine-em-up' totally devoid of charm. You
wander around the sprawling, poorly designed levels, mining blocks
and avoiding the now obligatory zombie enemies. It is an empty
experience with little reward or sense of purpose and spending time
in its world is as riveting as a 4 hour wait in a dentist's waiting
room with only a 4 year old gardening magazine for entertainment. For
a much more enjoyable example of mining indie gaming download Miner
Dig Deep, which is not only fun, but actually pretty addictive too.
Cool Shapes is
about as fun as the title suggests. A top down puzzler which tasks
you with fitting Tetris shapes into a square area. It could be an
average, fairly enjoyable time waster if it wasn't for the utterly
generic and soulless presentation. This boils down to a dull dark
blue and black screen with your poorly rendered avatar (just fuck
off) mincing around on the right of the screen. The visuals also have
a squashed look about them, as if the game is being displayed at the
wrong aspect ratio, and the music is extremely snooze-worthy, being
both repetitive and annoying to the ears. With some serious bells and
whistles this could have been quite fun. I imagine if someone like
Nintendo developed a game based on this same idea, with catchy tunes,
colourful graphics, and their plethora of mascots involved, it would
have been a worthwhile puzzler. As it stands it is a lifeless affair
best avoided.
Space Cruesader
(yup, that is spelt correctly) is, sigh, another twin stick shooter.
But before you yawn your own face off, it is actually an acceptable
offering, almost reaching the dizzying heights of 'above average'.
Sure, it is no Geometry Wars, or even other indie titles like Score
Rush, Echoes+, or Infinity Danger, but it offers some fun, explosive,
visually pleasing action for short periods. Gameplay wise it is
business as usual, but there are some new elements that give the game
its own identity. During gameplay wrecked ships appear, floating
stranded and awaiting rescue. To do so you must move over them and
wait for the green bar to fill up, completing a successful
evacuation. This can be tricky when you are being bombarded with
asteroids and enemy missiles, and can lead to some tense blaster
action. The explosions look cool, resembling a fireworks display
when destroying multiple targets. Overall Space Cruesader is
certainly worth a try, at the very least you can enjoy a cheap light
show.
I have saved the best for
last, and by best I mean by far the worst, most heinous game of the
week.
Aah, Halloween Pie,
a seasonal game that couldn't even be bothered to show up at the
correct time of year. It's another one of those 'babe' games that
plague the indie channel. This means plenty of barely dressed,
ludicrously proportioned 3d models of dead eyed bimbos, clearly
designed by boys who desperately need to get laid. "But wait,
didn't you say you wouldn't review these types of games on this very
blog?" I hear you cry. Well yes I did, and thanks for
remembering, but as I am now having to get my hands dirty looking at
every indie game released, it's only fair to include this type of
game too. Besides, I simply had to download this for curiosity's sake
alone. The screenshots resembled a nightmarish fusion of the classic
arcade platformer Ghouls N Ghosts, as re-imagined by a sex offender.
That is basically what the developers were going for (I think), they
obviously enjoyed how in Capcom's much loved game, Arthur loses his
armour when hit by an enemy, knocking him backwards and leaving him
with only his undies for protection. This must have got their minds
working.. Hey guys, why don't we do the same thing, only with a babe
who is stripped down to her bra and panties.. you can even almost see
her enormous tits.. hehe Boobs etc.
The game starts with a
hilariously bad intro sequence that shows our heroine Tits McGee (I
made that up, her name is utterly irrelevant.... BOOBS!!) crashing
her car after being scared witless by a glow in the dark skeleton.
You then assume control in the graveyard and must run to the right,
avoiding enemies and throwing some unidentifiable projectiles at
them, only this time your 'armour' is a T-shirt with Perfect Pussy
emblazoned on it (yes, really), and a pair of bright pink hot pants.
Upon being hit (which happens almost immediately) you are down to a
tiny pair of panties, and a bra, clearly the wrong size. She also has
a teddy under her arm the whole time.. oh, and did I mention she has
massive BOOBS! Snigger.
The animation is
appalling, especially when jumping, and the game is full of
obligatory sexy groans and whistles every 10 seconds. The gameplay is
as awful as any of the terrible NES games that the Angry Video Game
Nerd has taken a look at, with stiff controls, enemies too large to
avoid and projectiles that fly straight through them, and unavoidable
deaths due to enemies appearing on you. After 2 minutes you will be
ready to slit your own throat, but then you reach the first house and
meet the witch. Upon entering her (hehe) house you find her dressed
to fuck, wiggling her bum around in the air like a true pro. But she
isn't here to perform sexual acts, oh no, she gives you the game's
main objective, which is to find pumpkins so she can make a pie. So
it's back out to the graveyard (where you are hit instantly by a
skeleton), to repeat the same horrible shit over and over.
There's nothing more to
say about the gameplay, as what is here is so poor it will make you
want to pull out your own teeth. This is just another game aimed
squarely at chronic masturbators and people without access to
internet pornography, although abusing yourself to the lifeless
wax-like characters in this game would make you a danger to society
and a prime candidate for chemical castration. It is fitting that in
a Halloween game, the scariest thing is the game over screen, where
the camera zooms slowly in on the lobotomised, sex doll face of the
games protagonist. It is like looking through the eyes of a serial
rapist. Happy Halloween everybody!
Wow, what a week, I sure
enjoyed those hours wasted on this detritus. Hours I can never have
back. But at least I was able to clasp onto what little sanity I had
left and jot down these findings so that future generations can avoid
the same descent into madness that I have suffered at the hands of
these shitty games.
See you next week!
Shame there are no decent christmas games, sure my son would have great fun!
ReplyDeleteThere is one... which will be mentioned in my Christmas games feature which will be on the blog tomorrow!
ReplyDelete