Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Review - Rise of the Triad (2013) (PC)

The Horror, The Horror!

Wow, what can I say? To call this a disappointment is an understatement! I am sure you have already seen the score at the bottom of this review, so let's not beat around the bush here... This new Rise of the Triad remake is utter shit. It is an abomination that not only should never have been released but has now forever sullied the ROTT brand. What Apogee software were thinking allowing, unknown developers, Interceptor to release this is beyond me. I - and I am almost embarrassed to say this - actually enjoyed the terrible Duke Nukem Forever more than this travesty. 

You are part of H.U.N.T. a special task force sent to San Nicolas Island to investigate cult activity. Of course, this is all completely irrelevant - I didn't give two hoots about the storyline back in 1994 and I certainly don't now. All you need to know is that you ran around dull, flat stages blasting guys in grey or brown jackets with an assortment of over the top weapons. It was gratuitous, silly, and heaps of fun. Or at least that's how I remember it. Playing the old ROTT these days is a sad experience - the graphics are dull and unpleasant, the weapons overpowered and silly, the enemies generic and lacking variety and, most irritating of all, the levels are full of ridiculous spring platforms that send you flying through the air. Not only are these irksome and out of place, but they often send you bouncing around like a rubber ball, usually ending with you hitting one of the many annoying traps that litter the levels. To be honest, Rise of the Triad is actually a bit pants and is best left as a nostalgic memory.

Sadly, Apogee allowed Interceptor (who?) to dig up the skeleton of ROTT and take a huge steaming dump all over the bones. This new remake features brand spanking new graphics - if this were 10 years ago and made by a team of amateur (albeit, skilled) modders - a horrible rock soundtrack that makes me want to puke my insides out, terrible character models and physics, ridiculous gore, a frantic pace that feels more like Sonic the Hedgehog than an FPS and, worst of all, those bouncing platforms are back. Yep, now you can experience the complete lack of pleasure involved in collecting large, tacky, gold coins as you bounce around like a kangaroo on amphetamines. 

The game is absolutely riddled with bugs and glitches - the sign of extremely sloppy programming. Enemies glitch into the scenery and body parts of exploded adversaries get stuck in midair, spinning like a ceiling fan. Not only this, but the A.I is appalling, with some enemies standing motionless while you wait for them to move, or some opening fire (and hitting you with perfect accuracy) from a mile away the second you open a door. Often you are killed instantly by a rocket, fired from an unseen assailant or, even worse, you can fall down an instant death trap that sudden appears under you with no warning whatsoever. With death resulting in you being returned to a checkpoint so far back you may as well restart the stage, the game soon becomes a tiresome grind.

Everything about this remake screams tacky, cheap and poorly made - I even noticed that cloth flags or tiny lights would stop your rockets dead in their tracks, protecting whatever enemies you were aiming at. The whole experience is just so miserable, so devoid of any enjoyment whatsoever, that you really wonder what they were thinking. It is absolute, unadulterated pap, and I want the time I have spent playing it back! 

I probably sound quite angry. Well, I am to be honest. I was really excited about this new remake as I had so many (admittedly, misguided) fond memories of the original. I still love playing old school FPS games like Duke Nukem 3D, Shadow Warrior, Quake and Doom 2, so I figured I was the target audience for this new iteration of ROTT. I looked forward to straightforward and satisfying blasting action - no Q.T.E.'s, long-winded cutscenes or pointless mission objectives, just death and carnage. But I felt my jaw slowly drop as I began playing, a foul taste forming in my mouth as I realised Apogee had just made me suck on this nasty turd of a game. 

The original 1994 game is also a miserable experience.

In the aim of fairness, I booted up the original Rise of the Triad just a moment ago, and it is also shit, so at least Interceptor get points for authenticity. I think I will banish both games from my memory for good. My advice is to not play old ROTT again as it will tarnish any fond memories you have of it and, for the love of whatever god you worship, do not play this fucking dreadful 2013 reboot. 

Title : Rise of the Triad
Developer : Interceptor
Year : 2013
System : PC

Also Play:

Anything other than this horrible trash. Better yet, go read a book,  or take a walk outside and save yourself the soul destroying misery of experiencing this pile of shit.

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